I Wonder

I wonder if you truly knew

how important you were to me.

I wonder if I told you enough.

I wonder if you know how hard it was

to forfeit our friendship because I'd fallen in love

and you hadn't.

I wonder how it made you feel—

either special and sad

or just sad.

I wonder if you're okay

or at least doing better than I am.

I wonder what made you finally say no,

when I was about to ask you to say yes.

I wonder if I should have tried to talk you out of it.

I wonder what it would have been like,

had we given it a try.

I wonder if I still wonder

because of me

or because of you.

I wonder when I'll stop wondering

and what that'll feel like

and why that'll be.

I wonder if I'll ever tell you

or if you'll ever ask.

I wonder if you wonder, too.

I wonder these things every quiet moment,

so it's no wonder

that I cannot sleep.

Addendum

It's been a year

and I still wonder.

Less,

but still.

Maybe that's just who I am now.